THE ROSE OF AWESOMENESS
Open as a spotlight comes up, stage left, on PRINCIPAL HAMLIN, middle-aged, schlumpy, and distraught. He is in the middle of a conversation on his CELL PHONE.
HAMLIN: Yes…Yes..a Camaro…Chevy Camaro..SS..2017 (slightly embarrassed) Red Hot…Red Hot…yeah, that’s the name of the color…yeah…it’s just gone…gone!
The spotlight goes down on PRINCIPAL HAMLIN and he exits. As it does, another spotlight comes up, center stage, on a TEENAGE BOY. He is facing the audience and driving a car with one hand on the wheel, like a badass. He is wearing PANTYHOSE over his head, a BLACK SHIRT, a PAIR OF BLACK PANTS, some BLACK SNEAKERS and GLOVES. A LIQUOR BOTTLE and a CELLPHONE lay in the passenger seat. As the lights come up, the TEENAGE BOY removes his PANTYHOSE MASK, places it in the PASSENGER SEAT, and continues to drive. After a few beats, another spotlight comes up, only half as bright, stage left, on the NARRATOR, a slick, sharply-dressed middle-aged man.
NARRATOR: (Suavely) So. You’ve stolen Principal Hamlin’s car. Well congratulations.
A spotlight comes up, stage right, on TOMMY, SHAUN, AND WANKER, three teenage stoners. They stare at the TEENAGE BOY, smugly.
NARRATOR: (Walking towards them) Tommy, Shaun, and Wanker all said you would chicken out, but you showed those losers. Their senior prank…?
TOMMY, SHAUN, and WANKER expressions drop as if they’ve been shown up—and they know it.
NARRATOR: Toilet papering the gym. (YAWN) How pedestrian.
The NARRATOR sits in the backseat. The spotlight goes down on TOMMY, SHAUN, and WANKER. They exit stage right.
NARRATOR: (Reverently) But you! You. Future generations will whisper of YOUR legend. Of how you boldly slipped the principal’s keys off his desk while he droned through the morning announcements. How you cunningly anticipated him calling his wife to bring him a spare set; How he drove home, blissfully unaware. And how you patiently waited until midnight to pounce.
(Slowly) Five…minutes…from now… you will have pulled off the most epic prank in the history of the school: parking Hamlin’s red hot mid-life crisis in the center of the Herbert Hoover High cafeteria.
This calls for a celebration. That bottle of raspberry schnapps you jacked from your step-mother’s pantry? It’s got your name written….all…over it.
(The TEENAGE BOY reaches over to the seat next to him and picks up a bottle)
NARRATOR: (Reaching over to grab his hand) But hold on, Smooth Operator. NOT YET. You’re only going to get to do this once, so take a little time to smell the flowers…to smell the rose…The Rose of Awesomeness.
The TEENAGE BOY reluctantly puts back the bottle.
NARRATOR: Have you been careful? H to the Yeah! (Laughing) The mask. The dark clothes, the gloves… awwww, take that, CSI!
The TEENAGE BOY smiles and reaches for his phone on the seat next to him.
NARRATOR: But nuh-uh-uhhhh, buddy: No pictures, no tweetsies , no posts…
(The TEENAGE BOY looks at the Narrator with confusion)
NARRATOR: Because…(as if explaining to a child)…the Internet.
The TEENAGE BOY thinks better of his plan and sets his phone down.
NARRATOR: Nah, take a deep breath. You can tell the whole school on Monday. And that’s when you’ll reap your reward…
A spotlight goes up, stage left, on THREE TEENAGE GIRLS. They stare at the TEENAGE BOY flirtatiously; he smiles back.
NARRATOR: …and by “reward” I mean the undivided attention of those three lovely honeys in your home-ec class.
TEENAGE GIRLS: (All at once) Heyyyyy….
NARRATOR: (Disdainfully) Home economics. Would Principal Hamlin sign your transfer so you could take weightlifting instead? H to the Nope.
The spotlight goes down on the TEENAGE GIRLS. They remain in place.
NARRATOR: Okay, now don’t panic. Don’t do anything sudden. But there’s a cop car right behind you.
The TEENAGE BOY starts looking in the rearview mirror and becomes more nervous. He sits up straight and begins to drive with both hands on the wheel.
NARRATOR: Don’t worrrrrry. He’s not here for you. Take another deep breath. Let it out. And repeat after me…I am a smooth operator…
NARRATOR & TEENAGE BOY: (Together, zenfully) “I am a smooth operator. I am a smooth operator.”
The light comes back up on the TEENAGE GIRLS.
TEENAGE GIRLS: (Singing a la Sadé) He’s smooth operator…smooth…operator…Smoo…
NARRATOR: (Gently interrupting the girls): That’s enough.
The TEENAGE GIRLS stop mid-word. As the lights go down on them, they shoot the NARRATOR a disgruntled look. All throughout the following monologue, the TEENAGE BOY follows the directions of the NARRATOR and reacts to the things he says.
NARRATOR: (Rallying) See? Women recognize it. You ARE a smooth operator. So live it. Own it. Now just be cool. Watch your speed, adjust the rearview mirror…
When the TEENAGE BOY mimes checking the mirror, he pauses, as if noticing the ONSTAR buttons on the mirror.)
NARRATOR: Hmm…Mr. Hamlin has ONSTAR, America’s premier connected car experience. Your headlights just flashed on their own. (Red and blue lights begin to flash) Annnd here come the red and blues. No, don’t bother trying to speed up: ONSTAR’s exclusive vehicle-security technology just slowed down your engine. Best just steer over to the side of the road. Now take a deep breath. Let it out. And take a little time to smell the rose. The Rose of Busted.
The center spotlight goes down, as do the red and blue lights. As the lights go down, we see the TEENAGE BOY start to dart his head back and forth…he is scared shitless. The NARRATOR moves stage left, into the light that comes up.
NARRATOR: The Rose of Busted is brought to you by ONSTAR.
Lights out.
